I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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