if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
