I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
