True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
