Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize