Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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