I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
