at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
