I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
