stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
