upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
