my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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