I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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