based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
