I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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