saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i drank out of a bidet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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