My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
