I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize