all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
