Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
