So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
