i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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