Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
