I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
