Just cropdusted the office
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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