Already got asked if we're dating
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
