so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
