I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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