I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i love accidental penises.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So many bounce houses so little time
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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