My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
