i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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