I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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