I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Randomize
