Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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