if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
