One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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