I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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