if i can run in heels then i can drive
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
