Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
