hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
