: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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