I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
