this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
