I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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