my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
