one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
