I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
there is glitter all over my balls
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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