I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think my mom watched the whole time
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
