My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
