so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
