Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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