Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
