Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
