I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize