i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
