You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
ttyl tear gas
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
