sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
