just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
